Feeling low but a little proud

I feel like every time I write I’m complaining about how crappy I feel. I have been struggling recently with my eating disorder thoughts. It’s been killing me having my eating disorder screaming at me constantly. It’s really hard because I feel overweight but I’m 7 months pregnant so it’s not surprising that I’ve gained weight. 

I’ve entered my third trimester and I think I’m struggling with the anxiety that I might not get my pre-pregnancy body back right away and I’m worrying that I’ve gained too much weight and things like that. 

Today I have been struggling the most. I would say compared to any other day whilst I’ve been pregnant today has been extremely hard. I’ve become fixated on the negative thoughts about myself. All the things I buried with my eating disorder have all come to the surface and all I can do is just sit with the negative feelings and not act on them. 

I decided that I wanted a really healthy dinner tonight just because today had been tough. It didn’t work out that way, they didn’t have the salad I liked at the shop and I couldn’t have the other parts of the meal without the salad. I ended up with something completely different so that threw me a bit. All I could think about was how fat I’ve become and how I can’t do anything about it because of the baby. 

I literally was sat crying as I ate my dinner. Under normal circumstances I would have skipped. But because of my growing baby I had no choice but to force the food down. I feel proud that I did that, even though I was struggling so much with eating I still forced myself to eat it. Even though I was crying I still managed to get it down. I guess I can feel proud that I didn’t give in to the eating disorder voice, I pushed through and that’s the main thing. The real test will come when the baby is actually here. I don’t want to slip back. I just want to be happy. 

6 months pregnant and feeling crappy!ย 

I’m 26 weeks and literally feel like crap. I’m struggling with all this weight gain. Now that I’m six months I’m forever expanding. Don’t get me wrong I’m excited about the baby I can’t wait to meet her but all my old body image issues are haunting me. 

People keep commenting saying “you look well” that to me is negative I feel huge when someone says that. My eating disorder keeps screaming at me and I can’t listen because I’ve got my growing baby to think about. I’m getting scared about what will happen after I have the baby. Will I restrict and try and get back down to where I was before. I hope not.

Most of the weight is going around the middle (obviously) but I’m starting to wonder about my thighs and my face. Those for me was the areas I hated most before I relapsed, I’m worried that seeing this whether this is a distorted image or not is going to trigger me once the baby is here. If I go back to how I was I will feel like a bad mother. 

I wish my head would shut up. I just want to be content. 

Apologies for this post. I’m aware it’s pretty much me rambling I just needed to get it off my chest. 

Pregnancy update

Hello everybody! 

I’ve just realised that I haven’t posted anything about my pregnancy since January. 

Last time I wrote I was 14 weeks and had just found out I had a complication called Subchoronic Hematoma (a mass on my placenta). 

Now I am 20 weeks pregnant and finally the mass has gone. I can now relax for the rest of my pregnancy instead of worrying that something dreadful is going to happen.

After receiving the news that baby is doing really well at my 20 week scan I have discovered the gender of my baby and it’s a little girl ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ’•. I am absolutely thrilled and love her so much already. 

I’m enjoying feeling her kicking and moving around its one of the most amazing things I think I’ve ever experienced so far. I can’t wait till the kicks get stronger as the weeks go by. 

9th July 2017 can’t come soon enough. So much to look forward to. ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿค—

My head feels like it’s going to explode!

Hello everyone,

I did want to write a proper post but I feel so stressed, I needed somewhere to vent. 

Basically since I got pregnant my best friend just isn’t there for me anymore. I’m still there for her when she needs me but I just don’t get anything in return. 

She often gets angry about small things and then will ignore me till she needs my help. I saw her the other day and basically she wasn’t well nor was her mum or her child, because I’m pregnant I am more susceptible to catching illnesses so i have caught a cold and yes its not the end of the world, however I don’t want to be unwell, I wish she would have told me that she was ill so I didn’t have to catch it. I mentioned to her that I’m unwell and must have caught it off one of them but its okay its just one of those things. She basically just ignored my message. This is the most petty thing but it’s infuriated me more because I’m now left confused and anxious that I’ve made her angry. 

I can’t help feeling we’ve drifted apart, I was there for her through her pregnancy and even though I have complications she doesn’t seem to so much as care how I am doing. 

I just feel like I’m under just pointless stress, when the thing I need to be focusing on is keeping myself well and keeping myself away from stressful situations as it won’t help the baby at all. 

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t even ask her about it cos she ignored my message last night I fear she’s angry with me. This has been the most rubbish post I have written. All I’ve done is moan and ramble but I am genuinely feeling stressed out and have no idea what to do. 

A stressful week!

Hello everyone!

My goodness! This past week has been one of the most stressful, exhausting weeks of my life. I had plans to post something this week but I’ve been up and down to the hospital which has meant that I haven’t been able to focus much on anything other than the health of my unborn baby. 

So last Sunday I was suffering with lots of pain and also began bleeding. I was so scared that I was losing my baby. Fortunately the baby is doing absolutely fine. However I do have something wrong, I am basically more at risk of miscarriage or preterm labour, the staff are pretty optimistic that I will be okay and so will my baby but I need to be monitored. Now I have more peace of mind about what is going on I will be posting at some point this week. 

Just thought I’d explain. 

That’s all for now! 

Stay tuned.