I feel like every time I write I’m complaining about how crappy I feel. I have been struggling recently with my eating disorder thoughts. It’s been killing me having my eating disorder screaming at me constantly. It’s really hard because I feel overweight but I’m 7 months pregnant so it’s not surprising that I’ve gained weight.
I’ve entered my third trimester and I think I’m struggling with the anxiety that I might not get my pre-pregnancy body back right away and I’m worrying that I’ve gained too much weight and things like that.
Today I have been struggling the most. I would say compared to any other day whilst I’ve been pregnant today has been extremely hard. I’ve become fixated on the negative thoughts about myself. All the things I buried with my eating disorder have all come to the surface and all I can do is just sit with the negative feelings and not act on them.
I decided that I wanted a really healthy dinner tonight just because today had been tough. It didn’t work out that way, they didn’t have the salad I liked at the shop and I couldn’t have the other parts of the meal without the salad. I ended up with something completely different so that threw me a bit. All I could think about was how fat I’ve become and how I can’t do anything about it because of the baby.
I literally was sat crying as I ate my dinner. Under normal circumstances I would have skipped. But because of my growing baby I had no choice but to force the food down. I feel proud that I did that, even though I was struggling so much with eating I still forced myself to eat it. Even though I was crying I still managed to get it down. I guess I can feel proud that I didn’t give in to the eating disorder voice, I pushed through and that’s the main thing. The real test will come when the baby is actually here. I don’t want to slip back. I just want to be happy.