Free The chains have broken, I am free There’s a world of change, ahead of me I still have fears, that I can’t let go But I paint on a … Continue reading Free
I did want to write a proper post but I feel so stressed, I needed somewhere to vent.
Basically since I got pregnant my best friend just isn’t there for me anymore. I’m still there for her when she needs me but I just don’t get anything in return.
She often gets angry about small things and then will ignore me till she needs my help. I saw her the other day and basically she wasn’t well nor was her mum or her child, because I’m pregnant I am more susceptible to catching illnesses so i have caught a cold and yes its not the end of the world, however I don’t want to be unwell, I wish she would have told me that she was ill so I didn’t have to catch it. I mentioned to her that I’m unwell and must have caught it off one of them but its okay its just one of those things. She basically just ignored my message. This is the most petty thing but it’s infuriated me more because I’m now left confused and anxious that I’ve made her angry.
I can’t help feeling we’ve drifted apart, I was there for her through her pregnancy and even though I have complications she doesn’t seem to so much as care how I am doing.
I just feel like I’m under just pointless stress, when the thing I need to be focusing on is keeping myself well and keeping myself away from stressful situations as it won’t help the baby at all.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t even ask her about it cos she ignored my message last night I fear she’s angry with me. This has been the most rubbish post I have written. All I’ve done is moan and ramble but I am genuinely feeling stressed out and have no idea what to do.
My goodness! This past week has been one of the most stressful, exhausting weeks of my life. I had plans to post something this week but I’ve been up and down to the hospital which has meant that I haven’t been able to focus much on anything other than the health of my unborn baby.
So last Sunday I was suffering with lots of pain and also began bleeding. I was so scared that I was losing my baby. Fortunately the baby is doing absolutely fine. However I do have something wrong, I am basically more at risk of miscarriage or preterm labour, the staff are pretty optimistic that I will be okay and so will my baby but I need to be monitored. Now I have more peace of mind about what is going on I will be posting at some point this week.
Just thought I’d explain.
That’s all for now!
Struggle I feel scared, as I watch my waist grow I feel conscious, that I’m starting to show I hate seeing all the changes to my weight I want to … Continue reading Struggle
Eating disorder in pregnancy
If you have been following me for a while, then you probably know that I have been suffering with an eating disorder for quite some time. You would also know that I was trying to recover and unfortunately that was proving extremely difficult for me. As it turns out I’ve had no choice but to eat and pull myself together because I am 12 weeks pregnant. I am very excited and nervous at the prospect of becoming a mum. This news has obviously meant that I’ve had to make some very big changes in my life for the sake of my baby.
Just before I found out I was pregnant I was restricting quite heavily, my doctor was contemplating sending me back to the eating disorder service I was with before. Then I discovered I was pregnant. I had to then immediately change my behaviour. Whilst I am very happy to be pregnant sometimes I find it overwhelming, I worry about whether I’ll be a good mother and when it comes down to my baby being born will I go back to my old ways and restrict to lose my baby weight. I struggle with the thoughts from my eating disorder. My eating disorder tells me that I’m not good enough, I’m not thin enough, I’m going to become uglier the fatter I get. Whilst these thoughts are irrational and I must remember that they are thoughts and weight and shape doesn’t define me as a person, it’s tough to push those thoughts away and resist them. When I was restricting the thoughts were the thing I struggled with. The more negative my thoughts were the more I would restrict. Now I can’t do anything about them but live with them and make the choice to ignore them. I know inevitably weight gain is something that will happen whether I like it or not, I struggle with how much weight I will gain, what will I look like when I’m bigger? Will I hate myself when I start showing? Will I shut myself away because I am ashamed of my body? I hope not. I’ve already gained a few pounds and whilst I’m still underweight all these changes happening to my body are very difficult. I’m fortunate because the hospital I am with has me on high alert. I am prone to complications in my pregnancy as my BMI isn’t in a healthy range yet. But I know how much weight I need to gain and although I am scared I am determined to do it.
Although I have these anxieties I am going to keep pushing forward. I know I need to eat to have a healthy pregnancy and I have done so. I’ve tackled foods that I classed as fear foods just because my baby needs them to grow. I’ve had to go from eating one small meal a day to three, including snacks. All of it has been so hard but then I’m thinking it’s a good thing. I wasn’t getting anywhere before. I was putting myself in the category of recovery when I wasn’t doing anything of the kind. I wasn’t eating enough to sustain my weight I was still engaging in my eating disorder behaviours and now the choice has been taken away from me. I look at this baby as a blessing. I had my first scan last week and seeing the baby on the screen was the most amazing thing I have ever experienced in my life. It makes me feel proud that I am doing everything right to ensure my baby stays healthy. Some may say the timing of the pregnancy was wrong, I wasn’t exactly well in myself when it happened but for me the timing is right, I have worries but all that aside I am happy, I can honestly say for the first time in my life my future looks bright.
By Danae Brandon AKA wordiness24
It’s been a really long time so I am sorry for that. A lot has been happening. I’ve had some big news which has meant a lot of big changes. I am going to do a proper blog post about what has been going on. Stay tuned.
It has been so long since I have blogged. My life has been so manic! The reason I haven’t blogged is because I have not really been up to it. Not been well at all at the moment. Hoping this improves so I can get back to doing what I love, which is writing my poems/true stories and then sharing it with others.
Hope people will continue to read and haven’t been put off for the lack of posts.